time

its here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we are just waiting for half an hour til our 'taxi' gets out of bed... too early in the morning *yawn* we are going to watch vegitales till the off... see ya thurs(if i survive...)

camping update

woo finally getting there. 2 more days till we go. all i have left to do is pick up the rucksacks and pack them, get the burner im borrowing and make sandwiches for lunch which i cant really do till sunday. woo for 4 days away from here! followed almost immediately by whitestone campaign where ill(hopefully) be staying for the whole thing so tuesday(?) till the sunday woo! hehehe wooo weeee wooooo happy am i :D:D:D:D:D
lol it made me think(wierd in its self...) if it wasnt for God, id be stuck here. but im not and its all thanks to the mighty sarcy one! wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo love ya God! я ты люблю бог!

on a good note, my sister and her boyfriend are coming to friendship meal tonight. on a slightly understated scary note, my dad has banned me from using the upstairs computer because i moved some of the icons on my desktop in an attemt to tidy it up. he has since deleted one of the programs off my profile, changed my password- so i cant access any files stored on that computer-cos you need the password for it from this computer too(btw im on the downstairs computer), i cant use a printer cos thats upstairs too, aparently he found a loop hole in security which is somehow my fault, and basically hes in a really bad mood with me. this not bearing well for my chances at getting camping stuff out of the wardrobe in the spare room which he has taken over and covered in junk. i want to run and hide but theres no where to go til 4

woo woo coming through

spose i should update, even if it is only for the sake of the person from goodness foods who keeps checking to see if ive written anything new! well hiya there person!
today has been ok so far. my sis and her boyfriend arrived yesterday. it has been intresting. he's into the same sort of stuff i am like techie stuff, so we've had a few convos about that-much to my sisters desperation at trying to stop us! im currently trying to get them to come to whitestone for friendship meal tomorrow-and actually getting somewhere!
other than that, ive just been listening to music, sorting out money for my camping trip next week-which is scarily close should be good fun tho- and not a lot else. woo i get the house to myself for the afternoon. cell group is going to draycote or somewhere tonight, via rugby, could be intresting too. wednesday is usually the time the devil chooses to play. ive had several attacks to sort out this week, on top of my own. showing a sister direction and that the statue is the reason for her downfall, trying (and probably failing) to help another sister, not being able to sleep at night because of the state one of the brothers turned up in on sunday, praying and wishing that 'the trio' get off drugs asap, whilst having God telling me to email a brother in another country who ive never even met. woo for the God life.

methodism at its cleverest

a recent methodist report shows that 56% of the methodist congregation are female, and 38% are male. leaving 6% not knowing what gender they are. this is a real report handed out to all of the methodist churches in coventry.

this is killing me. my brain feels like it is smashed up and i want to smash my head over a brick wall. sleeping forever sounds good. devil attacks galore with 2 of my best mates seriously going down hill and on drugs 24/7(literally in at least one of their cases), my parents argueingand various comments aimed at me to do with the milk not killing me but one of them might. then they wonder why i want to move out, why i did all the stuff i did, why i hate them so much. but then, its me who has to put the mask on as though everything is ok. its me who would be worst off. im getting the squirgley feeling.

feeling alot better after having a chat with my shephard. thankies *hugs* ive now been told by him that i am allowed to have a week in community, tho i still have to get it past my parents. i have thought that maybe 2 weeks would be better as i can survive one week on a single set of clothes without getting them washed there(which i kinda have issues with), but i dont want to annoy people even though im fully aware that i do anyway. i suppose im just scared of everything and anything. woo for more dreams of jumping out of the back of vehicles when they are still moving.
i got really scared yesterday cos one of my best mates turned up completely wasted and gurning(where they make strange faces but apparently it feels good). i have seen people do it before, but the last time i saw it the guy tried coming onto me which i suppose didnt help this time. it was really scary though, the first time ive ever seen a specific whitestonian looking scared. i hope and pray that the wasted guy and his(and mine) best friends sort themselves out and get off drugs soon. as i said to all 3 of them yesterday: i hate seeing them killing who they really are.

for those who managed to recognise the last one, see if you can work out this song(its altered slightly). unfortunately it almost came true. why does my life seem to go round in yearly cycles?

I'm all busted up, broken bones & nasty cuts
Accidents will happen but this time I cant get up
he comes to check on me making sure I'm on my knees
After all he's the one who put me in this state
Is he ultra-violent, is he disturbed?
Before he does it all over again
Oh God, he's killing me!!!
For now I'll lie around, hell thats all I can really do
he takes good care of me,just keep saying my God is true

Looking out my window for someone that passing by
No one knows I'm locked in here, all I do is cry
For now I'll lie around, hell thats all I can really do
he takes good care of me, just keep saying my God is true

cats got the right idea

Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings That won't happen again
Thank you

for every last bruise you gave me,
everytime i sat in tears
the million ways you hurt me
i just want to tell you this
you broke my heart(world), made me strong
thank you
messed up my head(heart), made me strong
thank you

to be honest, im having doubts. but i look at the doubts and see they are unfounded, so must be attacks from the devil, thus im fighting them. i have a fear. many fears, but one i cant seem to overcome at the moment. im rambling. #i think im cracking up# basket case, dookie, Greenday

i thought i was weird, the only one who has problem parents. i was wrong. recently ive been finding out that more and more people at whitestone have had bad relationships with one or other of their parents. it gives me hope that im not as strange as i once thought. oogaboogaweeeeeeeeeeeeee

my favorite song recently has been 'california' by phantom planet. the only explanation i have is that my best(and only) friend at college used to play it, and now hes in spain or somewhere, but im probably never gunna see him again cos hes going to uni. it just seems to me that everything good in my life, all the great friends i make, all the situations that i love(garage, easter people, stonleigh bible week, college, outwardbound etc.) all leave me. easter people finishes next year, they are going to replace it with something else that i wont be able to go to, stoneleigh finished 5 years ago, the garage was only 2 weeks(even though i dragged a third out) college wont be the same next year, and the year after it will be on a different site and ill be on a different course. i guess im just scared of loosing everything, not of dying cos that wont make any difference, but of loosing everything good in the mean time. i try clinging on to people, then they reject me even more and i cant cope but i dont know how to deal with it.

runescape vs theology

last week i was playing runescape (an online game) and i was killed by a highwayman whilst trying to pick up a banana. when you die on the game, you loose all but 3 things from what you are holding, but anything you have banked is safe.
i was thinking about this yesterday, and suddenly relised its abit like that with God and the world in many ways. here are a few, feel free to add any more you think of.
1. chasing after bananas (worldly things) gets you killed(spiritually, when you die itll be eternal, and occasionally physically as well)
2. I died for a banana, God died for a banana-me, and everyone else(feel free to choose which fruit best represents yourself)
3. if you ignore the highway man to pick up bananas then the highway man will kill you and you will loose everything(highway man=satan, bananas=worldly stuff)
4. if you keep your stuff in the bank then it is safe and you will keep it when you die, if you give all your stuff to God and 'keep your treasures in heaven' then it is safe and you will keep it when you die.
5. if you notice the highway man and fight him, then you will live, and can keep the banana- if you fight the devil, you will live, and God will give you everything you need and more

confidence nox

feeling really down yesterday. after a nightmare about one of the brothers being in my room and refusing to move, all the bad stuff that happened on saturday going round my head, added to by the fact that my feet stank and everyone kept going on about it even though i couldnt do anything about it. thinking about it, God was really there. through my caring sister being there to talk to me, and through the brother who offered me a lift back with my bike. who knows what id have done.(i can get really dangerous round roundabouts when im in a bad mood, plus it was dark etc. etc.). so yeh, meh. anyhoo, im feeling alot better today. still got some of the mad comments going round my head, and i still dont feel comfortable around the brother who was in the nightmare. but other than that ive been concentrating on this camping trip and trying to cool my computer down so it doesnt blow up again(ok so the last 2 times it was only the screen...)

woo for arguements, freaks, best mates being in spain...

.

woo hoo for buses that arent buses but mazda RX8s and can fit 10 people in it but cant. and an old granny who falls over and has to be lifted along with the bus seats then tries to shove paper through my back into the bin cos i dont exist, but it hurt. i know it was a dream, but its too real. and all the things that seem like a dream, im told ARE real. why is my life upside down? i dont belong here

k, this is where i really wish i was style 7. i dont belong here-anywhere here. i need to smash my head in cos im so dumb, thoughtless, insensitive, rubbish at everything and cant even use my brain properly. woo. im beginning to think i might have bipolar depression. one minute im on a hyper n the next im really down n wanting to die. i have been like this for sometime but no one seems to have noticed. woo. no one ever seems to notice. n when they do, its cos ive said something about it. at least, thats what it feels like. people dont seem to be real anymore. everything is a dream world. im just imagining that i can touch things. im not even writing this. its all in my head, but that doesnt even exist. its like i dont understand either. your in a dream world where everything seems real and you can touch it, but you never quite work out who or what you are. what is thinking? what is life? what is God? are we just characters in his dream, and he's really asleep and when he wakes up, we'll just disappear, then God will start thinking 'what am i?'

curtosy of linkin park

hear it

When this began I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that
I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
but all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real.
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I cant believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
looking everywhere only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today


I want to be some where I belong-as Gallant said on sunday, I dont belong here and I really dont want to be here either.

Hola! (Ive been corrected!)

Main leader(outward bound):Luke Collyer
Sub leaders(outward bound):Anna and Sarah
The cool guy behind the shop(outward bound):Tony
Leaders(rotary club cov): Kate and Howard/Harold(we never quite worked it out)

Saturday we had a tour, some getting to know each other activities-rearrange in height order, get inside a rope that shrank, minesweeper type game, over the wall. We got kitted out as well. In the evening we went for a walk nearby, and were shown some edible flowers etc.
Next day we did chores-clearing the area of litter. Then we started some chuff charts. We did some orienteering somewhere cos everyone but me had to wear walking boots. Then in the evening we went on the speed boat, each having a turn to drive.
Monday we went canoeing. 2 canoes were tied together to make a catamaran and another 3 to make a tri-maran. We rowed across the lake and were shown that birch bark is great for lighting fires. We also had lunch and made hot chocolate. Then went back and everyone got soaked. In the evening we swapped instructors and did some tunnelling to show which caves were the best for us to go to.
Tuesday we went on the zip wire, then in the afternoon we were taken by speedboat to the other end of the lake where we had a steamer trip. We got ice creams at the end and went back by speed boat with everyone being pelted with rain as hard as hail but still liquid. In the evening we packed for caving and camping.
Next day we loaded up the trailer and went to Yorkshire to go caving. Some of us got to go through really small tunnels and then we were given the option of going in some more, which I did. We then changed and went to a café above a camping store. We all got cake and a drink. Then we were taken to the campsite where we unloaded the trailer and took it off the minibus. Me, Kate and Luke went shopping for food while everyone else put up the tents. We came back and several people used my phone to ring parents, I then had to sort out one of the girls who was crying cos her dad died(found out later it was 3 years before). Luke was making dinner by this point, and he let me go off for a walk to chill for a bit. I came back and someone made a comment so I went off to chill behind a bush again-after a bit. Then we ate-it tasted really nice. I managed to persuade one of the girls to eat some even though she didn’t want to. Then I helped to serve the pudding-the ice cream or ‘dribble’ as it had become. When we had cleared stuff up, we went further into the field and played some games, after having heard some stories from Luke about the jungle(he went to Belize). We played this game, where we had to say ‘when I’m an astronaught and go to the moon I will take with me…’ and we had to work out how to get it right. I was one of the first few. You had to be stroking your chin. I worked it out cos someone said think outside the box-which was one of the running themes of the week. A few of us then started doing some juggling/throwing balls to Luke for him to catch. We got to bed quite late.
Thursday morning I woke up about 4-as usual on camping trips. I went to the loo and got changed, then went for a walk round an adjacent field, down to the bottom of our field where I saw a heron(which I first thought was a pheasant) and some mice. I turned round to go back and found the place in mist so had to work my way back. I ended up just sitting looking at the trailer tyres, then realised Luke had slept on the minibus, and everyone else started waking up. we had beans, scrambled egg, sausages and bread for breakfast. We were going to have porridge too, but he decided not to. We then packed all our stuff up and piled it into the trailer. Did a final litter sweep and left-almost forgetting to pay(we had to turn around and go back!) we went back to Ingleton(where the café was) and went for a walk up to the water falls. There were some strange trees which had loads of pennies stuck into them. When we finished, we went back to the centre and had lunch. We then did the quickest de-gunge and pack-up Luke has ever seen. And had some time to ourselves to prepare for our assembly Luke made us a TV to put on our heads. After dinner, we were handed over to some other instructors who took up to do the trapeze challenge thing. We had to climb up a telegraph pole(just the pole-no telephone wires) and stand on the top. This bit took me about 15 minutes at the top to stand on it and grab the trapeze to then jump off, swing for a bit, let go giving a little squeal then being lowered down gently. I then went to talk to one of the girls who was scared of heights and had already tried to do the challenge and had ‘failed’. I gave her some encouragement and she decided to try again, but only go half way up to throw herself off. She felt better afterwards.
Friday we did the morning assembly, then went rock climbing, so got our gear together and went to this place I’ve been before-the one with the ice age rock. We ate our lunch while Luke and Anna rigged up the ropes. We did this exercise of walking upright on a rock then some of us had to lie on a rock and spin upside down. We then went over to the rock and were shown about b-laying and got into some rock climbing. I went up 3rd on my team and got stuck about half way up-Luke then had to move the rope over a rock and I still didn’t get all the way up. I kind of shouted at someone who was trying to encourage me and then was told I had to come down which was understandable. I was extremely tired, so got a bit teary and after helping one guy up and back down the rock, took some time out and hid in some bracken. One of the boys spotted me quite a while after they had all gone back, then the guy I shouted at came to find me and I apologised but I still didn’t feel that good. We went to see the ice age boulder and saw some boulderers. We went back to the minibus and back to the centre in time for unpacking and dinner. After dinner we went to the beach bit by the lake and were shown how to make a proper fire. We then made our own. There was a bigger fire further round made by another group, which we then sat round and had marshmallows and these random banana things made with chocolate buttons which tasted really nice. Our marshmallow sticks were made by Luke. He had 2 machetes (you don’t pronounce the second e) and we got to hold one and feel how sharp the blade was-safely of course.
Saturday we met after clearing our rooms and breakfast(which everyone went in different times for regardless of previous days’ practice-so I was running round trying to find everyone) and then had a get together with Luke, where everyone gave him a group hug(apples!). then the other leaders got one too. We were shown Luke’s bott fly from his head when he was out in the jungle. It was very big, and had shrunk! We went outside and they gave us a little speech which I started to cry at lol then we were all presented with certificates and had a group photo. I then had to talk to Luke and Anna about my DofE stuff, which no one else realised so some of them tried to follow. I almost cried again cos I didn’t want to leave and they were being really nice. I got Luke’s email address for any problems getting things signed, and the centres address for sending my book to. We then had to go and I started crying again.
We should get t-shirts(hopefully signed) with our pictures that Harold? (Or is it Howard?) took all week.

HELP!!!

Im planning a trip to take a 15 year old sister camping. if anyone has any ideas of Godly activities to keep us occupied in the peak district, they would be much appreciated.
also, if anyone knows a decent place to take 5 sisters(ages ranging from 17 to 19 and a 'young at heart 45 year old' and any activities i could do with them...again suggestions would be greafully recieved.

Olah!

I have returned from a week in the lake district looking after some very delightful though testing teenagers with various disabilities. my heart goes out to them. they dont know God like i do, yet they still have a life to look foward to and the majority of them were joining in with everything they could. it saddened me to see this morning in our service, that several 'spirit filled' teenagers were just sitting being a distraction to each other during the worship time. normally it would have annoyed me(an area that last week, God has helped me with), but it just really broke my heart that they have so much to be thankful for, and know it. they dont have all the problems that my friends from last week have. yes, they have some, but nowhere near the extent of those teenagers, and yet, those from this morning still cant find it in their hearts to worship God, or let others worship Him. I pray that their eyes may be opened to the glory of God, and that they will be shown how lucky they are that God is actively working in their lives. what i would give for the 10 teenagers (well 9 and a 22 year old) to find Jesus.
maybe, just maybe, my leader from last week will find Jesus through my bible-which i accidently left in the lake district. hopefully he'll get my email and send it back with my DofE book, i just pray he reads some of it.