well its 20 past 4 am and im still wide awake...

zzzzz

its gone 2 in the morning and im still wide awake. why? cos i forgot to take a tablet that makes me drowsy and ive not been sleeping well. i probably wont get to bed till about half 3 now, so its probably going to be best for everyone if i dont go to the Jesus Centre for half 8. 4 hours sleep isnt much when ur as nackered as i am. anyway, its made me think how if we try and cram too much into our lives and dont get enough rest then we become ineffective for God. thats not to say everyone should stay in bed all day-if we were then nothing would get done and we'd be even less effective for God! we need the right balance to be the most effective. enough sleep, enough rest/relaxation(can be running around, u never know-anything that doesnt require much thought is good) and enough work makes the best combination. ive found recently that if i havent had enough sleep then i tend not to bother to do any work and just spend my day "relaxing". if ive had enough sleep and at sensible times(e.g. half 12-9 rather than half 2-11) then im more motivated to do something useful. its hard at the moment because im trying to tire myself out before going to bed so as to avoid lying there thinking for several hours. also, if i forget my tablet(like friday night) then i wake up every half hour. not good. im too exhausted, too tired, too stressed/on the edge to be effective in anything at the moment. a good blast of serving has been helping, but its the motivation to get that far which is my main issue at the moment. sundays is fine cos im around people. during the week im not so i cant be bothered and have to physically force myself to do certain things like eat. ho hum. so yeh, dont end up like me.

life....?

well today has been a nice change. playing sardines most of the afternoon was fun. something childish to keep my mind occupied and my mental age somewhere near what its meant to be. the evening doing the one thing i really enjoy. ive gone off lighting at the moment. ill do it, and id still rather do that than nothing, but there's nothing challenging about it. you cant get anything wrong. no one really cares if there arent any fancy lights and there's at least 5 other people i can think of that can do them. projection/sound is more intresting. theres variety: videos, slides, songs and you have to be concentrating most of the time. its unpredictable and so easy to mess up-at least for me. im learning new things all the time and there is only one other person that does it. everyone notices if its not there/working. it helps people to worship and get close to God, rather than just looking fancy. it also means i can hide from people, which isnt my main reason for it, but it can help. if i just need to go somewhere out of the way and breakdown then i can. i also seem to be able to conect with God alot more. i think its because hardly anyone can see/hear me so im less self concious and i dont have to put my hands in the air or whatever cos i need to use them on the desk. i suppose theres also the thing of giving enables you to recieve.
sorry this isnt very profound. its midnight. ill have another couple of hours up in which ill be even more jibberish, but yeh thats how my lifes going at the mo. trying to get back to asic normality but its not really working. woo for being mentally ancient.

poo

just been 'exorted' to post about the highlight of my day so far. a conversation with a leader in my church about poo. the conversation started with him misunderstanding my online name as thinking i had taken up a new hobby. it ended with him signalling that he wants to take up liking poo!

"I do not know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know, the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve"

well im back from the lake district, tho i have to go back on monday to pick up the rest of my stuff. woopeedoo. loneliness. the feeling of being alone, the only one. lots of people feel like that. i know i do frequently. trying to work out how God could know what it feels like. i know Jesus went through it on the cross, but i dont understand why. i mean, he had loads of people around him-2 of which were going through exactly the same thing as him. but you can be alone in a crowd.lots of people arround you but no one talks to you. or lots of people talking to you but its just about the weather, nothing important, nothing deep and meaningful. or there's the alone of no one around at all. no one ever talks to you. no one knows what you are going through. they dont really care. or theres the type of loneliness thats in your head. people around you who love you and you love them. they know what you are going through and are trying to help. but there's a blockade. you still feel alone because you are so helpless. you cant do anything to change the situation you are in. you dont understand why you are where you are. you feel like you are someone else just looking in on a film. its not real, just a dream. but it hurts. and you long to be close to the people you love most and you can see them and hear them but you cant touch them and feel that they are really there. you're in a bubble. a glass wall separates you from reality. ever been there? people say Jesus went through what we go through but worse. i dont believe that. not in this case. i believe that Jesus felt like he was in a bubble. people cared. he himself could do something to stop the situation he was in-but he couldnt. another paradox. He goes through the same pain we do. at the same time we do. cos He is in us. if we allow Him then He IS us. we are not Him, but He becomes us and uses us. goes through the same struggles we do. it might not help the situation. or stop us feeling isolated. but it can bring us a sense of peace. even if it is frustrating!