nufin 2 do

ok, its just after half 9, ive already sewn a pocket into my skirt, done some painting, some ironing and put everything back under the sewing machine. ive fully packed for the next 4/5 days and am ready to go. now theres nothing to do-no more clothes to wash, no washing up-ok so theres tidying up...but i cant be bothered.

stress free?!?!?! wow

today has been ok. i was going to be at college, but was informed late yesterday that i didnt need to be. i spent the day working on a little plan for sunday(possibly saturday too). :D:D:D:D:D
theres nothing decent on tv now so id probably better do the bins, wash up and find something to stuff in the washing machine. woohoo for being a 'domestic sister'!

monday-last day of marquee

today has been ok, though still a bit stressy. started the day with a half hour walk round the block. found the spirit more today. was thinking about the past few days and what God wants, and my view of God. i also realised that, actually, there are a few people who are lacking in faith. a few people have prayed with me over this weekend, and some before, about the scars on my arms. i have really been held back by them cos i get really self concious as to whether they can be seen, plus my mum brings it up quite alot(even though i stopped self harming over a year ago). i asked for prayer that God would remove them so that i wont be held back anymore, but those that prayed with me said that they couldnt do that, God wouldnt take the scars away. what they would pray for me about though was that i wouldnt be concious of them and the memories surrounding them would go. this has got me thinking, and brought my spirits down too. i believe in a God that can do anything. He heals broken bones, He brings people back from the dead-so why cant he remove the scars from my arms? why cant He heal me?

when i got back to my house i was greated by my mother saying something to do with having burglars. she didnt even let me get up the stairs before trying to give me a hug-which would have been ok had she not tried to throw my bag down in the process and did she not have a different attitude to everyone else. when my sister comes here, shes allowed to get in the house, in the bedroom and given half an hour before she is 'attacked' by the parents. when my gran comes to visit, her room has to be ready so she can settle in cos 'its not nice when you stay round someones house and you cant get in your room streight away - you need time to chill from your journey before having to face everyone' so what does she do to me? the complete opposite. reminds me a bit of what our church leader was saying about hating your natural family - well I DO!!!! the sooner i get out of this dump the better. ill be less depressed and more in the spirit.

sunday marquee

woke up early and went for a 2 hour walk before we had to leave. got really annoyed last night because said sister from yesterday was insisting on being tucked into bed, wandering around and generally being annoying. i shouted at her to shut up at which she replied "oh, i thought you were asleep" -(in which case why wasnt she trying to be quieter?) i shouted back-rather harshly "no im not" then everything went quiet. i do regret shouting at her, and appologised when i saw her earlier.
God is showing me that i need to be more tollerant. this evening i got annoyed at another of the less mature sisters because she was passing notes to others and distracting everyone around her. she or one of the note-writers also drew a very disrespectful picture of the leader of our church. she has now ripped it out and replaced it with a slightly better one. theres lots of singing on the mini bus, which im ok with, except when 2 of the sisters started turning one of the songs into a 'kiddies version' by singing in stupid voices. what really annoyed me was that i have already had a bad experience with that song and am still trying to work my way back to being able to really worship to it, and they have just ruined it for the moment. i have to admit, the past few journeys on the mini bus have been testing, and i hav e often found myself thinking about opening the back door and jumping out whilst its still moving.

marquee day 2

its been a good day, though i felt a bit rejected and lonely on the mini bus. yesterday some of us went to the pre-marquee which was ok, but nothing like everyone else led me to believe! there's a shop at the back, which no-one told me about, so i didnt take any money. my caring sister lent me some though, so i got a t-shirt and 2 sew on badges :) todays event was good too, though i did get a bit stressed and had to grit my teeth cos one of the younger sisters(though older than me) was being annoying and, i felt, disrespectful. she kept going in and out of the marquee and at one point, just after i had (finally) managed to get into the spirit and really start worshipping, she pushed past me. i was slightly annoyed but carried on anyway, till she came back, poked me in the ribs and then pushed me foward-even though i had my hands in the air and it was pretty obvious that i was worshipping. anyhow, life goes on. hopefully tomorrow is better.

Not much to say

Not much to say today. Ive packed for the weekend. Ready to go out in 20 minutes, not to return to this before monday night. I'll share a bit about an issue now resolved, just getting used to the change.
Ive had a problem with sisters not being able to lead morning/evening worship. This is mainly down to the fact that my parents wanted me to be male and brought me up like that. Ive always felt like a dissappointment to them, not as clever as my sister, not being tidy or organised, not using my 'brain' -though they doubted I ever had one(they know I do now cos my sister bought me one that grows if you put it in water). Anyway, I had numerous conversations/arguements with people over it. I then had a revelation from God a few weeks ago. I basically remembered a conversation id had with Andy-the sound guy at Easter people- and realised that it applied to leading services. The conversation was about a band that we had in the morning sessions. The lead singer was a girl and the backing singers were mostly male. They sounded terrible. Anyway, we were saying how female singers shouldnt be allowed to lead in a band because it doesnt sound right. Its a bit like that with services, if a female is leading it, it doesnt sound right so people switch off(okay so we all switch off anyway...). Its not their place and its not what they are designed for. (I never thought Id say that!) Its not cos what they are saying is wrong, its just that their leading skills are for other places-like bringing up children and leading other sisters.

...just another day-argh!

ya, today was another intresting day. college from half 9 till lunch, thenstreight into an exam that started late cos they couldnt find the cds, then they wouldnt let me out of early even though id finished. got to w/s, had a chat with carole then into manic stressing cos of immature and sarcy people-other than that it was fine. ish. had a few issues with feeling left out in the 'under 25s' slot just cos it wasnt really on my level. ok that cant be helped, but it would be nice if i had something decent on my level to go to-Agape for instance....
worried about 2/3 of my friends who are going/have gone downhill. also praying for one of the guys at college who had his bike nicked earlier. kinda looking foward to the marquee this weekend-mainly cos i get away from my parents.

stressed, scared or scarred?

just got in from a not-so-stressful-more-scary day. i was at college for most of it, sorting out the publicity board for the front of college, then setting up the back up rig cos theres a leak in the ceiling so we cant use the proper one. the day started intresting/stressful though. i had plaaned for getting in just before half 10, then realising just as i should have been leaving(and still being in my pjamas) that it was 10 oclock that i had to be in for, not half past! after college i went into town and, as there was no-one else to talk to, i was talking to this guy who used to be part of my church. normally he's ok, though a bit doped up on something. however, today he starts getting abit too close for comfort and started asking me to kiss him and going on about us two staying together all night. at which point i 'remembered' i had to be somewhere-which he wasnt too happy about and asked for 'just a kiss on the cheek' at which i walked off and got the bus to whitestone, then spent one and a half hours hiding in the back garden. so, before anyone asks me again whats wrong and why im a bit quiet-now you know.

hmmm

My day today has been ok, well it was until I got the bus to school for my exam-then the stress levels rose. The first bus I got was late, then when I changed busses in town, it went the short cut rather than the usual route-which would have been ok, had the other passengers not complained. By this time, I was only just going to make it, but the driver decided to go all round the houses to turn round and go back adding an extra 10 minutes to the journey. This meant that I arrived late-15 mins late to the exam. That exam was ok, though I was still sitting around for another half an hour at the end of it. I then had another exam to do. Shouldnt have been a problem, however when I read through the questions I couldnt answer them so started getting even more stressed. Some of my answers became rather silly cos I was fed up of the stupid exam. Woohoo for yet another failed exam. I now have a splitting headache and dodgy ears. Great job satan-not exactly sorry though just cos I'm promoting God

zis picatyure

Yeh, err just in case you were wondering, the picture on my profile is not me. however, it is the only one this site will let me put on there. I shall try to get it working and let you know (if you are dumb and cant guess) when a picture of me replaces the ostrich thing.

another 'stress free' day

today's been slightly better, though i had an anonymous phone call at quarter past 6 this morning *yawn*, followed by a maths AS exam that ive failed miserably. the highlight of my day was college-as usual, though i have to put up with annoying little boys who wear their best clothes then complain when they get paint on them, run around with plastic machine guns and have been known to spend half an hour pulling a curtain backwards and fowards cos it doesnt cover the gap(even though there is plenty of other curtains). i got covered in paint, made some placards and stencils that say 'i love Jesus' 'Jesus rules' and some hippy flower stencils. i also made 2 mobile phones out of plasic bottles after attempting to down a 2 litre bottle of irn bru(urgh). ( in case any of you are wondering and dont already know, the next play at college is Jesus Christ Superstar- Butts college thurs 15th and fri 16th june times to be confirmed.) now back at house feeling lethargic and going to raid the fridge for food cos im bored! at least i dont have to get up early tomorrow, though i do have another exam in the afternoon. oh well time to do some more recording i suppose-if i can muster up the motivation.

stress rising...

ok, this stupid blog thingy is making me even more stressed cos its refusing to allow me to add a photo to my profile, even though i followed the instructions, the photo is small enough and it has the right extension. begginning to regret filling my useless life with useless time wasting websites and bloggy things

stress head

just had like the most stressful day for a while, and my week isnt going to get much better. I have issues with the way some people behave, which doesnt help me at the best of times, but when i have had to get up at 7am, walk about a mile, feed several million people(ok, i admit its a bit of an exageration...), teach some little kids stuff, then go back to the kitchen and finish of cleaning... spend most of the afternoon fighting someone who manages to hurt me more than i can hurt them, then go back to cjc and enter the cafe zone-serving and crowd control on some of the youngsters- my only escape being on the balcony doing lighting, and (sort of very minor) paniking (but more annoyance at the speaker...) because the person who does sound wasnt there and no one seemed to think that maybe, just maybe, other people might know how to use the equiptment if only they were given the chance... get back try and chill but get stressed out even more because someone is makeing very unhelpful comments, and while im trying to cool off a bit my dad turns up to take me home-5 minutes early!!!!! and to think that the rest of this week i have exams every day, a set to make for Jesus Christ Superstar(college), topped off by a marquee event (which, incidentally is my first out of the other 4 that ive been around for....). I have been verging on a breakdown for a while, but some how think that God is going to be mean to me and force me into the following few weeks before i have the bliss of being able to do absolutely nothing. :( anyhoo life goes on-sometimes maybe unfortunately.

In the beginning...

arr I have now joined the realm of the brains.... will I fit in, or will they discover my deep dark secrets?