i think i need some inspiration. ive been clinging on to the wrong things, not that they are all necessarily wrong in themselves, just that clinging on to them is wrong. ive been taking things to heart alot more and its really hurting inside. im not sure how to stop it. i feel like im grounding to a halt. i know Gods there and its all part of the battle, but sometimes i just wish i was weak enough to give up.

im loving it here at whitestone. ive been having some really inspiring moments and have been feeling uplifted by the atmosphere thats lingering around. my mum came out of hospital the other day. i didnt want her to. thats partly selfishness because i want to be here rather than there and having to look after her, but im not sure if its a good thing or not. if i was looking after my mum id be confined to a small area. wouldnt be able to go to church and the only way id get to see people would be if they came to me. i would get really down and start feeling suicidal again-like the last time i went back. theres nothing inspiring about my house. whenever i go there, i get this feeling of a depression over the house. i have done for just over a year. theres a sister here who ive only just started to get to know, and it made me cry when i found out shes planning to leave. i feel selfish knowing that i want her to stay. my point would be, can we be selfish for God?

well there have been alot of changes in my life recently. ive lost a significant amount of people that were close to me, and i have a few that im clinging on to but feel like im going to loose. its made me think about how God feels. he wants to be close to us and he has got close to alot of people, but then they turn their backs on him. there are some that he is clinging on to because he loves them and doesnt want to loose them, but he knows that they could well fall for satan and leave him. there have been times recently where ive felt like God's been dangling me from a rope and when ive realised, ive had to climb back up the rope to saftey. its been a continuous process. my life at the moment is rocky and im finding myself very insecure. i have security in God, even if i dont always see it. there are some people i know i have security with, though i dont always trust my judgement.

update

well ok here goes. a new post. and tschaka, i have been staying in comunity for a while, though the dream of at least another 2 weeks of stability has just been thrown down the drain. my mum is coming out of hospital for a few days so ive got to look after her 24/4. it means i miss cell group, friendship meal and saturday evening meeting. im already nackered, but theres not much i can do about it as im going to end up getting up at about half 5 tomorrow morning just to get to work on time... oh well. *yawn* better get to preparing for mum getting back. p.s. if there arent any posts for a while its cos i dont have much internet access!