bye :'(

well, this is the last time in a while i shall be updating. going on a trip you see-not a holiday, a trip. im going to add to my bruises. literally. its an adventure thing for special needs people and im going to help out. could be intresting as you have to stand on the top of a telegraph pole and hit a ball-me being petrified of heights and all...
anyway, sorry about the massive pics and rubbish links-i havent quite got the hang of html and cant do anything with it from a manor house by a lake!
keep strong in your faith, keep growing in God, have a great time without me-trafalgar, 24 hour worship etc. and ill see you all soon i hope.(unless i go style 7 before saturday oooh wishful thinking :P)
this is me signing off. toodlepip

amazing love, how can it be that thou my king hast died....for me?

tears from heaven fall??

blogs title is 'inside my head' so, this is a list of what is inside my head this morning:

1. rejection
2. lack of love
3. longing for God
4. rejection
5. lots of tears but dried up from last night

the badge in front of my computer

3

i just want to be a covenant member and living in community. theres nothing for me at my level anymore, apart from saturdays and sunday evenings-none of the cell groups since foundation course finished. i need support, heart sharing, learning about the bible and Jesus on a deeper level than that given in the cell group i would be part of. from what ive heard, thats exactly what happens at agape. ive got 37 weeks to go before i can make covenant and move in and be in the spirit 24/7. it seems like an age away. i need it now! everytime i go back to my house, a depression comes over me-no matter how in the spirit i have been, or how happy i was before. its a place of bad memories and depression and i cant get out of it till next march. oh that i could speed up time. i wannabe style 3!!!!! LET ME MAKE COVENANT PLEEEEEEEEAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!

today

sorted out with the person from yesterday, had to say goodbye to a very dear friend from college who is going off to uni :( and had to sort out a mad woman who tried to run over one of my other friends. all fun-oh and i fixed a bike chain that had got well and truely stuck so i got covered in oil :) and i fixed some door handles/nobs. all good fun! todays performance at college was great, the only thing that went wrong was a speakon cable being knocked so that the speakers stopped playing the sound which i then pushed back in-all very freaky as speakon cables are pull and twist so cant fall out! anyway, i managed to avoid being hit by flying males. we watched the HND performance too, it was very funny though didnt really have a story line-it was more an eastenders style thing(which, coincidentaly, they had a very random music track with eastenders quotes to the theme tune!)

conviction

well tonight went well. get to whitestone almost immediately leave again for a walk to de-stress. end up in the prayer shed for a bit then get back inside to be insulted just as we go into the dining room for food. leave just before they start praying cos i cant cope anymore. then went and had a little cry on a friends shoulder. come back down and have the meal, after which i get an apology. ok, i dont forgive the person and use time as an excuse. later on i insult someone else who i also struggle to get on with at times, i appologise and they forgive me immediately. ouch. convicted. especially as later when im reading through a section of first steps with someone the parable of the king and the debtors comes up. the king forgets the large debt of one guy, who then goes and puts another guy in prison for not paying a smaller debt. im thinking God is having a go at me here! anyway, i know i need to forgive this person-which i think i have done and am sure that i have, however i also know i need to tell them to their face which is slightly harder to do! never mind. should be fun tomorrow anyway as im having a late night and have to be up at 8 tomorrow working through till half an hour before i should be at whitestone so will have to run over! woohoo for a busy weekend!
oh and if anyone knows of any jobs going that i have a chance of getting-or even if its just something to keep me occupied-id be very greatful.

:)

woohoo! I got a lie-in this morning and it did me the world of good :) I woke up with 'with a captains ready sword, we will turn back the battle at the gates' in my head-which is unusual for me to have any song in my head or anything in my head at all that soon after i woke up. Id just had a freaky wierd dream about something happening at whitestone(it never will, dont worry-the lay out of the house was all wrong) and woke up after my shephard had gone downstairs from my room, the house shaking with random music from a cd player. anyhoo off to college now to sort out lights-the teacher wouldnt let us do it yesterday when everyone had gone, so my 2 mates(well mate and other guy) decided to practice wrestling moves on the grass-it was very funny.

bad day

today has been ok ish. was at college doing stuff and getting to know some people better. concussion has almost all gone. then late in the afternoon, when all the dancers had gone, me, my best mate at college and this other guy were rigging the lights. everything was ok till i didnt think and made a really harsh comment to the other guy. i asked him if he was always that useless-he walked off and i dont blame him. i just stood there. my mate had to tell me to go after him-he probably would have gone himself but he was up a tallascope(a vertical ladder). anyway, he came back and we finished the job. i was feeling really stupid-partly cos id been really horrible and partly cos i had started plugging the wrong rig in to the boards-durrr! anyway, i hope this evening is going to be better and i dont put my foot in it.

meh

well the college performances went well, after we sorted out the problems of me being heard over the speakers. the whitestone barbeque was good as well-well until i got concussed that is. let me explain: me allergic to chicken. chicken shoved in my face by person who knew better. foot went out to push person away. foot grabbed by chicken holding fiend. foot pushed backwards. garden chair collapses. head makes strong contact with very solid stone bird bath. result:painful concussion. on the up-side, i got alot more sleep this morning. for those less experienced in the first aid department, a word of advice. if someone has concussion, DONT tell them to go to sleep-they might not wake up.

*yawn*

urgh tired. very tired. very very tired... didnt get much sleep last night and having been awake from half 8 and working almost constantly right through till some time late last night, im exhausted. well tonight's going to be good anyway-hopefully. last night everyone could hear me over the main speakers and we still cant figure out how but i suspect one of the stage managers' switches was in the wrong position. anyway, having a headset on and being next to a speaker, its very hard to work out what is coming from where.
anyone coming to watch the show tonight who reads this before they go, can you make sure you say thanks to the guy in the lighting box at the back-he's feeling a bit down at the moment, like no one apreciates him-but dont tell him i said that. thanks.
i guess ill see you at some point in the future....

english weather?

freaky weather yesterday. hail stones as big as a 10p piece-and lots of it. some even dented cars and bruised people. 10 minutes of random weather-strong wind and heavy hail. God was having fun!

moo

physically tired, spiritually awake. been praying with some of my friends this evening-they have an 'insightful' streak!
any ideas for qwkward questions to ask my shephard would be apreciated!(he asked for it)

beauty

to hear of a beautiful (sounding-ive never been there) community house having to be sold because of not enough people to help keep it running, then to look outside my window and see bright sunny modern houses that have just been built on 2 grassy areas that the children used to play on-it makes me feel sad but thankful too. sad that these places of beauty are not being used for Gods purpose, but are either distroyed or handed over to worldly people. thankful that God gave us these places of beauty in the first place, and that-thankfully-there are many more still undiscovered by the concrete-loving council. God is amaizing-he gives us his creation to look after, knowing we are going to destroy it, gives us His one and only son to forgive everything we've done-even that we dont deserve to be forgiven for-knowing that over half of His human creation is still going to deny His existance, yet He still loves us anyway, and He still gives us life in the hope that maybe at some point, all His blood sweat and tears may not have been in vain.
God is beautiful, awesome, amaizing, astounding, extravagent...

yawn

woo (not) preperations for thursdays alcohol and gambling argument. might need some time correction-will need some time with God before i go. arguing with a theologan, a lawyer(?) and some very stubborn people...

didnt get much sleep last night. couldnt get to sleep for a start-something was wrong and im still not quite sure what. i couldnt breathe very well, though my blood pressure and sugar levels were fine. i was also very restless. i dont know how i managed it but about 2 hours later God let me sleep.
better get going now, college to have fun at!

JCss

Jesus Christ superstar: 7pm friday 16th Im doing a mass booking for anyone who wants to come. £3 tickets(discount price!) let me know if you want to come, Im taking names (and money) on saturday.

learning

Ive learnt several things today. 1. how to write 'polcat and fred in a bin cos of yoo' in my calculator. 2. just because you've had millions of bad experiences of 'love' doesnt mean that it doesnt exist, and even then-saying you dont believe in love doesnt stop it actually existing. its a bit like God. you can have several million bad experiences and blame them on God-maybe they are his fault, maybe not- but just to say 'I dont believe in God' doesnt stop Him being very real. agreed, it is hard to know/believe in something you cant see, but you can feel both God and love, for 'God is love' 1 john 4 v 8 and 16 even athiests believe in love(does this mean that they believe in God?)

tha-a-ank you Lord for this fine day...

yep today has been great...well good. started off by deciding to bunk college-ok not the best idea ever, but I went to the woods and spent some time with God. I then went into town for a bit, which would have been fine, but some 'ghosts' were there. I managed to sort myself out and was ok talking to one of them(the other had walked off when he saw me). it wasnt a deep conversation, just to do with one of our other friends-but even that would have in the past been very hard. I still have 2 out of 3 people to fully forgive, and Im getting there. anyway, God blessed me with not having sore eyelids. Ive realised as well that I need to thank lots of people alot more often too, and have given myself the challenge of not saying anything horrible about anyone-no matter how true, and if someone makes me go over the edge so Im just about to snap, then Im to walk out of the room rather than being nasty to them. Im just so thankful to God that I can feel pain, see, hear, walk, talk, smell(and not just my feet), that I have wonderful people around me, and a wonderful world to live in, that I have a wonderful God who loves me just as I am and so much more than anyone else could, or could imagine. taking time out to just thank God for everything, it makes me smile knowing that I have so much to be thankful for and it makes my heart go out to those who dont realise how much they have-even if it isnt in worldly wealth.

thoughts

I was going to write the last 5 days in present tense and change the dates to make you think that I had a computer, but I really cant be bothered and it would be lying. anyway, I got back tonight and my mum told me that my cousin had rang my grandma, just to find out what Id been doing over the days I was up ther. this was a suprise as we dont normally talk. anyway, my gran told him what Id done and he felt a bit ashamed that me, a girl, had done a load of DIY jobs for her-which would class as a 'mans job' and he never did anything for her. why am I saying this, well it made me think. the whole family is, quite frankly useless. they are anglicans which doesnt help. they manage to blow up kettles just by filling them with water and turning them on. its the way life goes. some people cant do anything right and think they can do everything, whereas other people think they cant do anything right, yet its the complete opposite. we can be humble, or just in denial. life is complicated. I dont mean to rubbish the family, cos they do have their ministry, they just dont seem to have found it yet. I pray that they find the spirit.

another inspiration I had this week-which is slightly more constructive- is to do with my sunburn. I was an idiot in the first place to be sunbathing, with my eyes shut and no suncream. but it was done and I got the sunburn. anyway it really hurts. I ralised that its not pain I was feeling, it was just discomfort. real pain is when you have someone hammering nails through your wrists and hang you from a cross where you slowly sufforcate and drown in your own blood.

think about it.